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That Time I Lost My Words and Dodged Hummingbirds

art emotions feelings writing

dodging hummingbirds
Words fail me today. Projects have been abandoned, plans put aside.
I sit at the computer staring at the work I have to do.....not doing any of it.
I'm consumed with guilt. This is no way to run a business.
Sales begin this week, holiday shopping has begun.
Its my responsibility to get the word out about my Annual Holiday Celebration but I can't bring myself to move.

I don't know why exactly. My heart is heavy. A gray cloud hangs overhead threatening to drench my hopes and dreams with an icy cold shower.
I wonder if this is the emotional manifestation of my nation in outrage or if its an extension of my own burning time.
Or maybe its some kind of cosmic detox, or just my own personal wall of fear.

You know, that place we all get to where we either jump in or run away. The scariest point of change and if we can just get past it we'll break some kind of emotional block and life gets infinitely better rather quickly...until we have to jump the next hurdle.

I've broken down those blocks before. Sometimes with serious effort and dogged determination and sometimes accidentally while I was running away from a different scary change. Each time it's different. Each time it looks and feels impossible and each time I don't recognize it right away.

No amount of logic or bribery or positive pep talks have convinced me to start the marketing part.

Because the words aren't there.
I've got nothing,

nadda, zip, zilch

No clever quips or snazzy sayings to make my art more appealing.

I can't remember why anything in my shop is important or why owning it will make your life better. I look at my descriptions and flip through my art notes and all I can think is “So what.”

I don't suppose I can schedule everything on social media with the subtext:

“Ya, it's cool, you want it? buy it. You can get free shipping.”

......Not really up there on the top 10 list of Effective Marketing Tips.....

I only want to make art. I want to create something that explains how I feel and still gives me hope. The problem is that right now I feel so many things. They're flighty, zipping around like kamikaze humming birds, dive-bombing me unexpectedly.

I think I feel this and then WHAM! I'm hit with something else.

In the last 12 hours I've convinced myself to do nothing else but business until something shifts and I feel better.  

NOTHING, no house work, no holidays.

Just website, art, marketing and social media supporting my business...
and then 3 hours ago I almost convinced myself to close everything down and give it up.

WHAAA!!!! *headsmack*

Fortunately, I know better than to listen to myself when I'm this emotional.

I'm still stuck. I still don't have the words, I still don't know how I feel, I still don't know what to do. I do know sitting here beating myself up over not being productive isn't productive. I think since I just want to make art, then maybe the best thing to do is to make art.

If anyone asks, I'll be buried under a pile of junk looking for inspiration and dodging kamikaze humming birds.

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