So Its been two weeks since my last post. My goal was to post weekly, suffice to say I slipped. It's been one of those crazy months where weird things came up
This month I've been working with Strong and Powerful Inanna.
She's a bit of a Diva - a helpful and supportive one but a Diva, nonetheless.
She is the Sumerian Goddess of Love, Fertility and Warfare. She brought The Mes, the laws and regulations that made civilization possible to her city, Uruk. She stole them from Enki, God of Culture.
The crafty broad got the old man drunk and took off with the goods. *You Go, Girl*
Her people needed something, She went out and got it. End of Story.
While working with Inanna, we're also focusing on Strength.
I believe the connection comes from the Tale of Inanna's Descent into the Underworld. She, being the Queen of Heaven and Earth, recognized her position in the world and the Greater Responsibility she had.
She felt it was important to understand the Underworld as well as her own.
The opportunity came to visit her Sister in the Underworld. In the process she was required to relinquish the seven mes she adorned herself with.
The seven mes in then myth are seven articles of decoration that symbolize aspects of civilization and her role in it.
After removing the seven items she was granted access to her sister who then promptly killed her and hung her on a meat hook. *bitch*
But she had a back up plan and came back to life and the experience made her wiser, more compassionate.
I think this story speaks to us about Strength through making ourselves vulnerable.
We have to let go of our attachments, shed our 'roles' and face ourselves without our masks. Sometimes we have to loose it all in order to find ourselves.
In other words, ask yourself: Who are you without your job, your spouse, your children, your car? Who are you when you don't wear make-up or jewels? Who are you with out your techno gadgets? Or the stack of books to be read?
When we let go of all those things that we allow to define us; when we remove our armor and make ourselves vulnerable; we find a Strength that we didn't know we had.
It takes a lot of Courage to let go of what we're used to.
....and Inanna assured me it's liberating in a heart-pounding, sweaty-palmed, thrilling kind of way.
So I spent random moments in the last few days asking myself,
In what way is Inanna testing my Strength? What is she encouraging me to let go of?
Funny I should ask, because it kind of ties into why I didn't write last week.
Life changed a bit, here at the Haven. I have a new charge.
Long story short, I'm watching my nephew 5 days a week for my brother. (He's a single and pretty awesome dad)
I've been rearranging my house and creative work schedule to accommodate a wandering 1 year old.
I thought I was past this. I thought my last baby was going to be THE last baby until I had grand kids, many,many years from now. But, alas, I was mistaken.
This means working at the restaurant is almost impossible. I might be able to pick up a weekend shift here or there if The Renaissance Man isn't working but I have to ask myself "Do I want to?"
After a few weeks of scrambling around trying to pick up very specific shifts and failing, I asked my husband what he thought of me not working there anymore. His beautiful soul replied, "I thought you should have quit a long time ago."
Letting go of that job brought up some weird emotions in me.
For the past two years, I've been wishing I didn't have to work there. I've been juggling ideas and finances so that I could manage without the extra income. And lo and behold, the Universe came through. My brother offered to pay me.
It's less than he'd pay a daycare and more than I make working the 2 short shifts that I can work - IF I can even get on the schedule. *a big 'if' these days*
Still, I was surprised at the panicky feeling and the sadness I felt. Being a waitress has been part of my definition for the last 11 years. It's the reason my hair twists so easily into a bun, the reason I never paint my nails and why I'm a hella' lot stronger than I look.
Who am I, if I'm not that?
The Renaissance Man did ask me that day, What do I want to do instead....because I would have to do something else.
I went blank and kind of reacted badly.
Fortunately for him I have great impulse control because all kinds of old wounds came bubbling up to the surface.
I stood there puzzled by my reaction, scrubbing the counter a little too hard, avoiding eye contact *for fear of killing him with angry laser beams shooting out my eyes*
My very wise partner recognized the warning signs and slowly backed away whilst herding the children to another room.
That's when I heard Inanna whisper "Let it out or you'll block up your throat chakra"
So later I did some journaling, and some tapping and realized it was a lot of old beliefs being cleared out. The big one was
I have value, even if I don't work outside the home.
The next day, The Renaissance Man mentions an idea he had about taking some of our frugal living tricks and the spreadsheets he's designed and offering them as PDF files or e-books or something.
Of course I think that's great, if he wants to organize it all, I can put it up and spread the word. I am the Social Media Maven, after all.
He says,"And then you can also use it for your Coaching thing."
I get defensive. "Don't laugh at me, I'm serious! I'm going to do that when The Padawan starts school!!!"
He laughs out loud and reminded me that he just asked me the day before what I wanted to do and I couldn't answer.
(do you ever do that? Have a moment of realization and just get so full of emotions that it leaks out your eyeballs?)
It's taken me a few days but I think I've finally made peace with Not being a waitress anymore. I think I'm ready to call my managers and quit.
But tonight, I'm going to paint my nails, a bright obnoxious color.
Because I can.
Because Inanna thinks I should.
My idea for this month had more to do with physical strength and less to do with abstract ideas like 'letting go' but The Goddesses always have their own agenda and I must have needed it or it wouldn't have been so emotional.
I have another story for ya, It's much.....muchier.....you know... Inanna: Goddess of Love - ish.