My relationship with the Blessed Mother began a long time ago, when my oldest daughter started school.
My ex-husband is Catholic, back then he was really Catholic; mass every week and even did that whole thing where he brought the gifts to the priest thing - and help pass out communion. *there's a word for it but I forgot.....*
*Eucharistic Minister - that's the word*
Somewhere during her Pre-K year, at the tender age of 4, my daughter developed two things; and obsessive love for the Virgin Mary and an over abundance of guilt.
Both of these bothered me.
I wasn't Catholic. I agreed to raise my kids Catholic and during their baptisms, I vowed to support the churches teachings and foster the values in my children.
I took that vow seriously but it often caused conflict within myself because there was so much of organized religion that I didn't agree with.
The guilt thing was a constant factor to deal with, and I still have to talk her through moments. Such as this past holiday. She called me on Christmas Eve in conflict.
Her boyfriend's family was no longer planning on attending mass and part of her thought she should switch plans and go to mass with her extended family because it was after-all Christmas Eve and if she didn't go her Grandmother would be disappointed.
The other part dreaded the 30 minute drive and the anxiety it would cause due to having to rush, wasting gas money and limiting her time with her boyfriend.
I asked her questions until she decided on her own that she never felt spiritual in her Aunt's church and going wouldn't be conducive to fostering the joy of the Christmas Spirit.
I'm sure there was still some level of guilt there but not so much that she couldn't enjoy her holiday. And really that's all that matters in the end.
Guilt functions as a result of a conscious and our human need to do the right thing. Sometimes it works for our best interest but sometimes it doesn't. That's the guilt you have to let go.
I digress..... going back to 1999 and my little girls obsession with Mother Mary. At first I ignored it. I figured it was just a lesson they were learning in school but as the her obsession grew and every single thing she uttered related back to Mother Mary, I grew irritated.
But I was conflicted. I swore to honor the teachings. She went to a school in a Catholic parish that Honored and Revered the Annunciation of Mary.
Why the f*ck was I irritated?
I did a little soul searching - years before I knew what soul-searching was - and realized I wasn't irritated. I was jealous.
Why the hell was I jealous of a mythical figure, a statue in the vestibule, and icon imprinted on a medallion?
Because my little girl, my only daughter adored this imaginary being more than me.
.......Which made me evaluate what kind of mother I was for her.
I graded myself lacking.
My Princess has always been wired a little tighter than me, Her energy vibrates at a higher frequency, always has. I knew within an hour of her conception that she was there. I felt her.
It was a really long pregnancy.
Because of our difference in frequency rates, I had a habit of pushing her away.
Yeah, I sucked.
This made her more clingy and needy, forcing her way into my space; always needing hugs and validation and reassurance. I wasn't always understanding.
I lost my patience a lot in those early years of parenthood. I could be mean. There were times that I was cruel.
She's a Pisces, she feels everything, all the time.
She's empathic and psychic.
A word, a tone, an angry look could dissolve her. It wasn't fair to her that she should have to protect herself from me, her own mother, at such a tender age.
I shouldn't have been surprised when she found a replacement for me.
And Mother Mary was the perfect Mom.
I did my research. Come to think of it, She was the very first Goddess I had ever researched. *And yes, I think of her as a Goddess.*
Most of what we know about Mary comes from the people who adore her. The people she's appeared to: Our Lady of Guadalupe, Lourdes, Medjugorje and hundreds of other sightings.
All these sightings, all the interviews, all the people agree that she's patience, kind, compassionate, understanding and would do anything to bring her children comfort and peace.
She was everything that I was not being for my daughter.
Back then I didn't hear Spirits the way I do now. I couldn't have conversations with Mother Mary, so she offered me her wisdom and guidance in synchronistic moments.
There's a line in the movie The Crow:
"Mother is the name of God on the hearts and lips of all children."
This line ran through my head all the time.
I would observe my kids back then with wonder and amazement. Especially my daughter (when she wasn't irritating me). She was sweet, loving, free spirited. She had a creative imagination and an infectious giggle.
She deserved a champion to protect her beautiful soul.
I believed then and still do, that we choose our parents and our life circumstances before we incarnate. So it occurred to me that she chose me. Did I deserve her? Was I worthy enough to be her mom? I was consumed with guilt.
I graded myself lacking.
But I wanted to be better. Over the years I tried to be better. I failed many times. I succeeded many times.
The Blessed Mother guided me, granted me patience and understanding, helped me to forgive myself over and over.
I'm proud to say that my daughter and I are very close now.
She'll be 21 this year. She calls me everyday. And she is just as amazing now as she was when she was little.
I studied Mother Mary on and off during my kids time in Catholic schools (so for about 20 years as they went through high school).
In all those years, I haven't consciously 'worked' with her. I guess its more like she worked on me.
I felt her presence last week and she's assured me that she'll be hanging around to grant miracles as long as I want her here.
I'll be sharing my experience and would love to hear yours! Leave me a note!